ive become overwhelmed by my hatred for the way you are.
it has attacked my mind and consumed all of my thoughts.
you are so distant from me that i dont even know who you are.
you come around when its convienient, when you can fit me in your schedule.
i know your busy, i pretend like i understand but i dont.
why would you not want to see me?
why would you not want to talk to me every day?
i want to talk to you everyday...
what have i done to make you be so scarce?
im almost 18 now, youve told me to think for myself and never be a follower.
well im taking that advice and last person im going to follow is you.
i will never be like you, and treat the people i "love" the way you do.
i will be there. i will be there.
the man i chalked you up to be, the man i thought you to be all of this time.
you are not a man, you are a coward.
you hide from your own feelings.
i will never, ever be like you.
17 years old and im stronger than you.
i will never be like you.
i will be there.
resentment, anger, hatred, despair, sadness
have taken your place in my heart, and in my mind.
im done with you.
because youve long been done with me.
and i promise, i will never ever be like you.
i will be there.

Carved by the words that are not said, and those that are.



Running from the words, that should be said, that could be said.
hiding behind the truth, of what you feel, the thoughts in your head.


lock them up, throw away the key.
ill never let it show... how much you truely mean to me.


i push you away, keep you at a distance where the pain can never be felt.
you are so different, so special, never just another notch on my belt.


i see you and smile, but quickly look away.
funny to watch the silly games, that love makes us play.


you touch me, my heart skips a beat, my lungs collapse, i suffiocate.
not breathing, not thinking, this nervous feeling that i hate.
you are more than a girlfriend, you are my bestfriend, and with that comes no debate.

behind your eyes, lies your soul and all the love you embrace me with.
you lay it all on the table for me, your heart is now mine to be careful with.

father.. not so much. Man.. very much so.

Screaming, bickering, coming and going. Where is dad? What was a five year old supposed to think? Ive seen pictures and been told stories but i only have 1 memory of my dad before he left my house. I woke up one morning and walked into the kitchen and mom was cooking breakfast and he was sitting at the table ready to eat, with his green bath robe on that had a really weird pattern, and his house shoes that i remember he mashed down the heels so when i tried to wear them they would never stay on. He was huge, i thought he was the biggest, most strongest man in the world, and the more i grow up the more i see how much he really is. He was hard on me from day 1. Anytime i even thought about crying, he would quickly let me know that if i wanted to cry he would forsure give me something to cry about. I had bad temper when i was younger and a lot of things made me mad and when i got mad and started "showing my ass" as he used to say, he would snatch me up faster than anyone has ever seen. He used to hold my hand up and spank my but so hard that my feet flew up, and before it got to that point he would do the classic, two finger poke right in my chest by my shoulder. If that didnt get the message across that i need to start acting right he would take his finger and slide up the back of my head, it felt like somebody was lighting a match on my neck. He was tough on me, and for good reason. My dad, very similar to me has an extremely hard time showing love and compassion when it is real and abundant. So the way he showed he cared was to be tough on me. Its all he knows. when he was little his dad died when he was 4 in car wreck. Him being the youngest, with an older brother and an even older sister with a single black mom and no money, life was rough. He played basketball ofcourse. Living in scottsville kentucky what else is there to do? He was a cute kid, out going, girls loved him, a lot like myself, atleast thats what ive been told. He was a heck of a basketball player, he was a star among the people of the small town, he found refuge in the gym and a father figure in his coach who was very close too. When my dad was 16, things took a turn for the worse and put him in a pretty bad spot. He got a little white girl pregnant and back then keeping it was the only option. My brother Brandon is like 34 or 35 now, he has a wife and kid of his own. I have talked to him, maybe 3 times in my life, and i have no clue how much my dad talks to him. But i can only imagine how tough is was to go through that as a 16 year old in high school with no money. Im sure it was rough. After high school he went on to a junior college in tennesee. For two years his team and him went around stomping everyone. They were good and he was good, but the two years ended eventually. So he moved on to kwc which is where he met my mother. He played baseball there and knew my grandpa and uncle before me knew my mom. They all knew him as a real stand up kind of guy, just all around good, smart and well spoken. He tried out for the basketball team, it came down to him and another guy and again things took a turn for the worse and he didnt get picked to be the walk-on that year. So that was the end of school for my dad. He worked at walmart for a long time, while in college and even more when he finished. He was a top manager and a very hard worker. Even to this day, im sure he sees someone he used to work with at wal-mart all those years ago. He knows everyone it seems like. But to continue, him and mom married and had my sister jade. Things were fine, he worked at walmart and my mom was a secretary at texas gas. 6 years pass and then i came along. We moved from a little house on haviland to a nice 3 bedroom house on mcintire, both streets in the neighborhood twin lakes where i still live today. Things to me were fine, but when i was about 5 years old dad was never around. As i grew up i realized and was told that they had divorced and that i go and stay with my dad everyother weekend. Living at home without him wasnt bad, because i dont remember living with him. Which i think is very sad because my mother and grandma both tell me how close me and him were and all the things he did for me when i was little, and i have no memory of any of it. Years passed and i went to his house every other weekend. He got girlfriends and i met them, moved in with women and i stayed with him and whoever on the weekends that i went to stay with him. I played baseball and basketball, both sports that he played so that kept us close. He stayed on top of me, making sure i was always practicing and keeping my self ready. Im not a big guy, never have been and never will be and i was always the smallest kid on any team i was on. I was intimidated and passive, a punk basically. I was the oposite of what he was when he was my age, but he pushed to be everything he was. Baseball is the devil sport to me, i hated it more than anything. The whole experience of batting was the scariest thing i had ever experienced in my life. Basketball was both of our loves though. But after awhile, the love for basketball was over taken by the constant frustration of having him on my back. So now that I have grown up a lot and really started being very independent i quit the sport that we shared a love for. After that, and after i got my license and pretty much quit going to his house on the weekends, out relationship fell apart. I run cross country, which is something he knows absolutely nothing about but he comes and supports me when he can, but thats not to often because he owns his own barber shop now and saturday a.k.a. meet day, is a big day at the barber shop, and hes got to make his money. So for the past couple years our relationship has dwindled down to nothing. The only time i speak ot my father is when i go and let him cut my hair. Back in the day he used to call and check in every once and while but that has stopped, he shoots me a text from time to time but after i text him back once there is no reply. Both of us love the other so much, but neither of us know how to approach each other at this point. The way me and him are, kills me. It absolutely throws a dagger through my heart each and every time i think about it. Im at a point in my life right now where i need a male figure to look up too and hes not there. But as much as I could say about that Im no the kind of person to just lay down and leave it at that. I understand the way my dad is, and i understand the way things have gone to end up the way we are now. I wouldnt change it for the world, he is my hero with our a doubt. Through out his life he has been faced with so much adverisity and none of it has slowed him down. He started with a dream to own his own barber shop, and how he does. He loves to have nice things around him and he does. He drives a mercedes benz s.u.v. it is really nice. All my life all he wanted me to do was become a man, and he used sports and things like that was a way to teach me to be responsible and dependable and to develop a work ethic that was untouchable by any kid my age. He made me tough, and always reading to speak my mind and fight for what i believe it no matter what. The distance between us hurts, and i hope it will find a way to be worked out eventually. But as mad as i am at him, and as upset as i am with our realtionship, i love him with all my heart and i know he loves me and cares about me more than anything. I look up to him because he made it, he is a man and he has battled though everything that was put infront of him. A father... in his own way. A man.... no doubt, and i can only hope to be half the man that he is when i grow up.